What Do Women Want? Sometimes They Just Want to Vent 

My therapist said we need to see people being happy. When I say therapist, you know I mean Tiptop, right? In the spirit of being happy, I went out. 

Well, two pepperoni pizzas for the price of one, count me in! Mercy has a really welcoming smile, the kind to make you buy extra wings. I’m the kind to eat the same thing over and over until I’m bored. 

One thing my ex taught me is always to have a backup plan. Mercy suggests I try the Hawaiian. Does pineapple belong on pizza?

Of course, the seat at the furthest corner calls my name. The easiest way to avoid human interaction while being in everyone’s business. Listen, folks be kind to service people, I paid for 500ml of freshly squeezed juice. Mercy served me 750ml extra straw, napkins, and sauce.

Everyone is celebrating this Netflix and Chill weather here’s a twist. If you have no cuddle partner, how about carrying your laptop and Netflix in public? Or would you rather stay indoors and let loneliness kill you? Do you rewatch sitcoms, ’cause I do? 

There’s always a new joke, a new satire. Anyway, Modern Family season 2, episode 16. Phil is getting a haircut from Gloria. There’s a thing women do, notice when someone is not okay. Gloria tries to help Phil understand where he went wrong. He brought home Broccoli while Claire asked for Cauliflowers. He also left a really tiny note for her. Have you ever felt dismissed, like your opinion doesn’t matter? 

Claire has been asking Phil to try new things, which he dismisses until someone else suggests it. 

As they sit, I lower the volume. No, I’m not snooping.   

“Honestly, I don’t know what to do,” He says, pulling a chair. 

It’s never intentional, I seem to always snoop into people’s stories. I don’t. People have interesting conversations, and I happen to love listening. 

“What do women want? No, what do you’ll want? He probes. 

I want free coffee, cat food, organic food and sanitary towels. And a Pink Jeep. 

The girl in a pink sweatshirt adjusts her hair clip and lets out a little laugh. 

“Kim, you need to relax.” She goes tapping his shoulder.

Two other ladies have joined, one in blue braids and another in short curly hair. They shake hands, a cute personalized handshake, aaaww!  

I’ll have the pepperoni pizza right now and try the Hawaiian later. Maybe I’ll give my neighbour a slice, maybe I won’t. Stay tuned.

“So, what was the ‘emergency’ about?” as she raises her hand to make the air quotes, I notice her pink coffin-shaped nails and dangling gold earrings. 

The one in a pink sweatshirt fills her in. Kim’s girlfriend stormed out, and he is yet to hear from her. He’s confused because he bought her roses and chocolate. 

Uhm, maybe the chocolate had nuts, and she’s more of a plain chocolate girl. Different roses have different meanings, Kim, did you bring funeral roses?

“She just stood up, took her keys and left,” Kim says, half chewing, half talking. 

Now, Kim, I trust you made a good judgement when choosing her. Women don’t just stand up and leave. What did you do to her?

I’m really invested, maybe I should join them.

“We should call her,” she says, typing. “You pissed her off, what good does it do if we discuss it,” She puts the phone on loudspeaker. 

“Hello, hi Jackie.” The voice on the other end answers. 

Jackie explains Kim’s distress. 

“I had a really bad day. My cramps were tearing me apart. My landlord had not repaired the leaking tap. 

My credit card had issues and I needed to make a payment. It was a really long day. I went to his house to talk to him, as my friend. I wanted him to give me a shoulder. You know what he did? No, We don’t, tell us what he did. 

He asked me to move out, take painkillers and call the bank. I’m already looking for new apartments. The bank had me on hold for 30 minutes and the painkillers; Lord Knows I don’t want to OD.” 

She breathes out and I get a chance to swallow. 

“As if that’s not enough.” She continued, “I asked him to stay with me, cuddle or let’s just watch a movie. 

He left. I think there was a pool table completion or FIFA, I don’t quite recall. I have no problem with him spending time with his boys. I really needed him. Badly wanted him just to be there. Make me hot chocolate, tell me things will be okay. I felt so unseen. I felt dismissed.” 

“He then came back late. With roses and chocolate. I love roses, and who doesn’t like dark chocolate? I don’t like chocolate, but go on, girl… I warmed up some leftover food, and we sat down to eat.

Tell me why he spent the entire time on his phone. Only stopping to bite more food. After dinner, I asked him what movie he wanted to Watch. He said he was okay with anything. I searched for Nairobi Half-Life. 

Tell me why he continued to scroll. He wasn’t working, just laughing and reposting memes. He saw good memes and didn’t send them to you? Girl, I’d be mad too. I told him the bank finally answered my call and that I would access my money in 24 hours. 

He didn’t reply. I got really sad. And left. I’m still looking for apartments. I’ll let him know once I fix all my problems since he doesn’t want to be part of them.” 

Phew! I feel you, girl! 

All the girls turn and look at Kim. Disapproving, disappointed and second-hand shame written on their faces. 

“Kim, we taught you better,” Says the one in a pink sweatshirt. 

Mercy nods. 

“We had this discussion last year with your other ex; you need to pay us at this rate. We should get you a course or something,” She said, touching her gold earrings. 

“I don’t know what to say, so how do I make it up to her?”

Mercy takes a sip from her Oreo milkshake. 

“Kim, sometimes women just want to vent. Just listen to her-

“Actually, you recall when that rude waiter served Us. You didn’t try to solve the problem. You listened to us. Gave us space to rant. Then suggested a better place.” The pink sweatshirt girl goes. 

“Sometimes, we want our partners to be our friends. If you can’t tell when she needs to be pampered and when she needs a friend. Ask her. Do you want me to be your friend, boyfriend, and sometimes father?

Kim sighs. The tires look like he had to have gone. His shoulders drop, and his jaws unclench. 

“Also, try and practice all love languages.” My favourite of them all goes. “I feel like we need to be seen in all aspects. Although her love languages are gifting and words of affirmation. Different situations require different love languages. Yesterday she needed you to cuddle her – touch and fix her a meal -acts of service. Come on. We’ve taught you better.” 

I’m almost done with my pizza, and their story was a really amazing sitcom. Where do I get episode 2? 

“On a serious note, though- women don’t really want much. Ha! My wish has come true. Not even Netflix is this fast. Episode 2! 

“As a woman, I want affordable sanitary towels. Why do they tax these things? It’s a pad, for crying out loud. I also want to talk about long walks at night Like you do, Kim, you walk around so late. I want to experience this town when everyone is asleep. 

In my wildest dream, I want jeans with spacious pockets. I can barely fit my phone in this,” She says, trying to fit her phone in her Jean pocket.

“If I have kids someday, I’d want them to go to school and come back unharmed. I hit puberty quite early, and I recall the number of men who sexualized me and tried to groom me.

Free education. Better education. I want us to reflect on the effects of colonization. Preach sis! We still discriminate against dark-skinned women or women who are further from whiteness. I want us to return to loving each other- you live as a community. I want women who go to school to learn and those with Maternal instincts to do as they please,” She paused and stared hard. Sipped her water. Sighed and pressed her lips together. 

“You know,” in a calmer tone. “ I’m a proud feminist, which is often mistaken for misandry Or the classic ‘you just want to be Man’ come on! I mean, who wants to be a man? You, people, are almost like an endangered species. Men rarely report violence. Other men have made it hard for men to express their emotions openly. Oh, and to be viewed as a man when I provide or because of the length of my manhood. Hell no! I want to exist. To just be. Enjoy good sunshine, eat organic fruits, live in the forest, and paint my nails. Get my hair dyed. Get my PhD. Simple things. I want this for everyone. Men, women, and non-binary people to exist with no fear.” 

See, I know I had good taste. Wink

She reapplies her lip gloss and presses her lips together. Blows a kiss to her friend and lets out cheeky laughter. 

What do I want? Uhm… I want that eloquent, smartly dressed, well-learned and bold lady to be my friend. And a free coffee.  A pink highlighter and a pink Jeep.